A Chocolate Donut

October 24, 2007

Hey 19…

Filed under: children, death, family, life, parenting — Wizus @ 1:07 am

He is lost and wanders aimlessly through life. 

He stays up all night and sleeps all day.  He will leave home for days at a time.

I don’t know what to do to for him.  He needs help but I cannot force him to get it.

He was only 7 when he followed his step-brother into his dad’s bedroom.  He watched Daniel pick up the air rifle and fill it with BB’s.  He counted the pumps 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9…

He walked behind him as they went down the hall to the living room.   He saw him raise the gun and pull the trigger.

Then he watched his big brother fall to the floor.  

What did he hear?  I don’t know.  I could not listen to the 911 tape.  What would it be…crying? screaming? silence in the background?   I know he was scared.  He was alone in his dad’s house with his dying brother and the teenager that was supposed to be taking care him.

I ran into the emergency room.  I was escorted to a little sitting room and there they all were with their heads hung low…his dad, his stepmom, his stepsister, Daniel and my little Ricky.  No one looked up. “Where is Kyle?” I asked…nobody answered but I already knew. I had sensed it.  I felt him leave. 

…We had been shopping for Christmas gifts when we stopped to get a bite to eat.   We were discussing where to put the new freezer we had to buy when it happened.  Hubby says he saw it in my face as I abruptly stopped what I was saying and began talking about Kyle.  I knew it was him as he traveled right through me, it felt like a wind blowing through my chest and my mind filled with thoughts of him.  I felt restless and I told Hubby we needed to go home, now!  I knew there would be a message waiting for me and I dreaded having to push the PLAY button: “Come to the hospital immediately.  There has been an accident…” …

I had to say it again, “Where is Kyle?” and my baby boy is the only one to looked up at me to say, “He’s dead.” 

A single BB had torn through his shirt and entered his chest and punctured the pulmonary artery. The pericardial sack slowly filled with blood until his heart could no longer beat.  

I took Ricky home with me and held him all night.  I have held him many nights through the years.  He was 16 the last time I held him, I mean, really held him while he cried.  He was in so much pain my heart still aches from the memory, “I feel so lost right now and need my big brother“, is what he confessed to me.  

All summer long he watched Grandpa slowly die. I thought he was doing OK but it has brought back the horrible feelings of grief.  He didn’t tell me at the time but he had stopped going to work and he neglected to register for fall classes. 

I want to hold him now and tell him everything is going to be alright, but Mommy’s kisses cannot fix this.  



  1. Izus, I don’t know what words to say, but I feel I should say something.

    I know no words to take this pain away or to even make it more bearable.

    I do know I’m available. Whenever you feel like crying, bitching, screaming…anything…I am willing to listen. I’ll cry with you if you need that. I’ll kick the wall with you if that’s what you need.

    I’m here.

    Comment by snigsspot — October 25, 2007 @ 6:42 pm

  2. I’m so sorry for your pain and your sons pain. I wish I knew what to say to make it all better. If you need to talk, I’ve got a good strong shoulder to cry on or an available ear to pour out your hurts into.

    I’m going to echo Snigs. I’m here.

    Comment by cmmg — November 1, 2007 @ 8:48 pm

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